The sound of silence. There are jokes and memes...there are songs and philosophical musings. Many of those far deeper and more thought provoking than anything you'll get around these parts, rest assured. Some of you long time YBC readers just had a good belly laugh when you read that title. Trust me, I get it! I'm writing, communicating, verbalizing, transmitting, broadcasting, and publicizing my thoughts about silence. Anyone who knows me...even for a short time...knows that silence and I are casual acquaintances. Just follow me as I try to unwrap this.
I have been walking through something for a little while, but didn't realize how dysfunctional it was until I was out. I didn't realize how deep it was and I had no idea the emotional convulsions that it would produce. No exaggeration or hyperbole: this is the kind of hurt that might not ever fully heal. Some don't. My connection to something so very dear to my heart abruptly severed. A source of joy, purpose, fulfillment, and involvement hijacked from my life and replaced with silence.
A very stark, harsh, bitter silence. The kind of silence that is absolutely unnerving for someone who is capital E Extroverted. This kind of silence creates the perfect situation for a vicious soundtrack to reverberate and echo all through my brain. Sound bytes of destruction and deception play at random moments, in random order. I've been asking myself questions like: "Did I deserve this...am I that difficult...am I really the problem...have I done my best...could I have done better...what could I have done differently...what are people going to say...how did this happen...why didn't I see this coming...can anyone else see how wrong this is?" Reality has a hard time pushing through this kind of psychological barbed wire. It comes through off pitch and jangled.
The truth has been spoken to those with influence over the situation, but they've said nothing. Asked me no questions. Requested no further details. Offered no condolences. Silence SO loud that it made me wonder if they could hear me. Did they even see me? Did you know that silence has the power to make people feel invisible? Did you know that silence has the power to make people feel humiliated, worthless, unimportant? This kind of malignant silence has the power to erase all the good that a person contributed. This level of silence destroys basic trust. Handling confrontation well is not something I am known for, but I would rather have a blue faced, eardrum shattering argument than to sit with this kind of lethal quiet.
You want to know something funny? As I have walked through this, I have NEVER doubted God's plan, presence, protection, or provision. Songs and scripture that reinforce these truths have risen up in me and helped me wage war against the lies that have been planted. I know that God hears me when I cry and he sees me, too. I know that he hears my questions and he can handle my moments of absolute soul searing rage. What kind of Creator would he be if he was overwhelmed by his creation?
What I really want to hear is the voice that breaks the silence. I want to hear someone with skin in this particular game to speak up. I want that person to say that this is wrong; that as Believers we have to do better by each other. Because we do; the world is watching and what they are seeing is not lovely or winsome or inspiring. I want to hear someone say that they are broken by their lack of response. I want to hear someone say that this never should have happened. I want to hear someone say that they will do what they can to make sure this doesn't happen to anyone else. Have no doubt: it will happen, again. Dead air lends permission for such things to continue and to escalate.
Name a cycle of dysfunction that's been resolved by silence. You can't? Right, neither can I.
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