Fear

What scares you the most?  People are scared of all sorts of things.  All sorts!  The list is exhaustive.  

Members of the animal kingdom, at various levels, will cause the hairs on the back of a person’s neck to stand at attention.  I am firmly convinced that this reaction was put into us by The Creator, in all of his infinite wisdom, because some of these critters can do great harm to a human (sharks, snakes, certain spiders).  Then there are those things that will cause us to hurt ourselves and others around us as we attempt to flee for our lives (snakes, all spiders, lizards, wasps, cockroaches).

There are some fears that work in opposites.  Being alone vs. lost in the crowd.  Life in a BIG city vs. life in the country. Open vs closed spaces.  No technology access vs. “Big Brother’s” ever watchful eyes.  What’s unknown vs. what’s familiar.  The past vs. the future.  Standing out vs. blending in.  Commitment vs. rejection.  Playing it safe vs. taking risks.

There are people groups that some find frightening.  I know a lady who is so frightened by midgets that she could never watch those “reality” shows where the main characters were midgets...little people.  I have another friend who is scared of clowns.  Bless him; he takes a lot of good natured, albeit tortuous, ribbing from friends and family because of it.  Back in the day, folk were suspicious of redheads.  (Not me!  Love my ginger-haired friends!). One of my cousins was afraid of men with beards when she was a little girl.  Dentists.  Doctors.  Lawyers.  School principals.

When I was little, as it has been told to me, I was afraid of the vacuum cleaner.  That sounds silly, I agree.  But when an older cousin chases the younger cousin with the vacuum, it makes a little more sense.  Happy to report that I did not carry that fear much past my early years.  Some kids are afraid of the dark, of the monster under the bed, of a night spent without the favorite blanket or stuffed animal.  Some kids are afraid of spending the night away from home. My Littlest Friend is afraid of those loud, auto-flushing toilets.  Stormy weather has sent more than one terrified tot barreling into his/her parents’ room.  

Once upon a time, vampires, werewolves, and zombies flipped the fear switch.  Not any more.  A certain best-settling series of novels and a couple of TV shows have fashioned a more sympathetic public opinion of vampires and werewolves.  Zombies have become cultural icons.

Lately, I have struggled with my fear of The Perfect Caregiver.  She doesn’t get tired.  She doesn’t need to ask questions or for clarification.  She doesn’t worry about being wrong or confused.  She isn’t homesick for life in SMALLtown.  She isn’t lonesome for her husband, her children, or her friends.  She doesn’t get lost in the hospital or as she navigates the unfamiliar streets of Guitar City. She is always early for every appointment.  She never has to run back to the apartment for her patient’s 8AM insulin shot...at 10AM.  She does not crave carbs in moments of stress or boredom...because she doesn’t get stressed or bored.  She never has tearful come aparts.  She greets each day grateful that God has entrusted her with this trial.  She isn’t real.  She is a lie, but my mind has convinced my heart that she exists and has been holding me accountable to an unattainable standard of perfection...which absolutely exacerbates a suffocating fear of failure.  

The truth will set me free, so here’s the truth:  I am the complete opposite of The Perfect Caregiver.

And slowly, I am beginning to embrace the idea that it’s ok.  I don’t have to be perfect, mostly because I can’t.  I’m human.  By default, I am imperfect.  But I am enough.  I have been equipped with everything I need for this challenge.  My Jesus knows what I need before I know to ask for it.  More than once the words from Queen Esther’s story have been spoken to me…”for such a time as this.”  It’s okay if I get tired, frustrated, lonesome, homesick, or bored.  It’s okay if I get turned around in the hospital.  The people that work there all seem to be FLUENT in the language of Lost Visitor.  It’s okay if I need to ask for clarification or explanation.  Two of her doctors are internationally known as being tops in their field. She is at one of the best facilities in the entire nation for treatment of AML.  These people speak in a medical language that is often as foreign as any Chinese dialect.  I am not medical and her team knows that. Every time I have asked a question, it has been answered...with kindness and patience. It's ok if I'm not running eagerly to this challenge.  It's ok if I haven't quite figured out how to be thankful for this trial.  I want to be, but it's very hard to watch the struggle and physical pain with a thankful heart. God is bigger than my doubts and weaknesses.  He's not surprised by them.  There is grace to cover all of them.  Everyday, an unexhaustable supply of sufficient grace.

For every lie born from fear, there is a curative truth.  I could go on about this, but this video does a good job of tying this up so nicely.  Sing it, Zach Williams.