Reader's Digest, March 2014. "Well, This is Awkward" Jessica Hagy.
Accidentally running over the foot of a lawyer's child with your shopping cart. Being unsure whether you are or are not on a date.. That word your unable to put your finger on. I did that this week...trying to explain to Y1 how beautifully spoken Lupita Nyong'o was in her recent acceptance speeches. The words I was looking for were "eloquent" and "articulate", supplied to me after a text message to a friend. Vocabulary rock star, that's me! Swimsuit season. Being bitten by a toddler. Asking, "What are you due?" and being told, "It's benign, actually." Prominent dog testicles. Looking like a tourist. Forgetting the names of people who think they're important. Wearing socks with holes to the airport. When the circus lion angrily decides he's just about enough of this nonsense, thanks. Sweaty handshakes. And limp ones, too, for that matter. American flags made in China.
Being stopped because they've heard that one before.
When it's your fault that clean up is needed in Aisle Seven. All the things you should have said but didn't. All the things lost in translation. Cold sores. When no one has anything nice to say at the funeral. Inadvertent triple entendre. Cries for attention that involve visible thongs. Breaking up with your boss. Opening awful gifts in front of the person who gave them to you. Small talk at the urinal. Faded bumper stickers for the candidates who lost. Forgetting the baggies before walking the dog.
Karaoke.
Magic tricks that don't quite work. Not being asked to perform an encore. Mispronouncing common words in the presence of linguists. Rich people who have no idea what things cost. Any conversation that begins with, "Let me tell you about my placenta." Being served a fine cut of an endangered species in a delicate balsamic reduction on a bed of arugula. Your Internet browsing history. First and last dates. Parrots that sweat at guests. When I was little, Granny and Papa's neighbor lady had a parakeet that was MOUTHY. His name was Petey. Petey would say things like, "Shut up, Bobby! Watch it, Bobby!" Who was Bobby? The neighbor lady's adult son. Guess it was something Petey heard a lot.
Teenage poetry.
The casual racism of elderly relatives. Saying, "I love you," and hearing, "Oh, OK." The honesty of the extremely inebriated. The honesty of curious children. "Mrs. Snark, is you pregnant or is you just fat?" The bluntness of a Deaf 1st grader, who is the youngest of six Deaf children, who are the offspring of two Deaf parents..."Michelle, are you pregnant." "No, B...I'm not pregnant." "Oh, Michelle...then you are fat!" Kids....yeah. When someone angrily asks, "Are you flirting with me?" Rattraps in restaurant bathrooms. The honor of being a bridesmaid.
Calling your neighbor's dog by his wife's name.
Telemarketers who are just trying to save some lives. Damp seat cushions on public transit. Lazy eyes. Struggling to compliment creepy looking babies. I kid you not, one time, all I could say about the baby was, "Look at her beautiful eyelashes! They're so long and full. She'll never need to wear mascara!" Being the flabbiest person at the gym. Beardless Santas. That's not awkward, that's just blasphemy and heresy! Long, thick hairs in soup, on soaps, and in nostrils. Apologizing for being successful. When Dad won't give you his ideal kidney. Speaking now instead of forever holding your peace.
Lice.
Great...now my head itches!
The red sock in the load of white towels. Adult tantrums. Not being allowed into the club. sharing toothbrushes. Comparing scores on standardized tests. Sanctimonious parenting advice. Medical exams that require the donning of a gown. Comparing salaries. Forgetting where you parked Grandma. Telling a funny story you didn't know was a secret. Reheating tuna fish in the office microwave. Every baby shower that has ever been thrown.
Accidentally flashing a gang sign.
Loud snorting. Becoming your mother despite decades of effort to the contrary. Adoring things that are not at all popular. Not getting the joke.
Being the joke.
Not knowing when to quit. Quitting while you mistakenly think you're still ahead. And so on.
Accidentally running over the foot of a lawyer's child with your shopping cart. Being unsure whether you are or are not on a date.. That word your unable to put your finger on. I did that this week...trying to explain to Y1 how beautifully spoken Lupita Nyong'o was in her recent acceptance speeches. The words I was looking for were "eloquent" and "articulate", supplied to me after a text message to a friend. Vocabulary rock star, that's me! Swimsuit season. Being bitten by a toddler. Asking, "What are you due?" and being told, "It's benign, actually." Prominent dog testicles. Looking like a tourist. Forgetting the names of people who think they're important. Wearing socks with holes to the airport. When the circus lion angrily decides he's just about enough of this nonsense, thanks. Sweaty handshakes. And limp ones, too, for that matter. American flags made in China.
Being stopped because they've heard that one before.
When it's your fault that clean up is needed in Aisle Seven. All the things you should have said but didn't. All the things lost in translation. Cold sores. When no one has anything nice to say at the funeral. Inadvertent triple entendre. Cries for attention that involve visible thongs. Breaking up with your boss. Opening awful gifts in front of the person who gave them to you. Small talk at the urinal. Faded bumper stickers for the candidates who lost. Forgetting the baggies before walking the dog.
Karaoke.
Magic tricks that don't quite work. Not being asked to perform an encore. Mispronouncing common words in the presence of linguists. Rich people who have no idea what things cost. Any conversation that begins with, "Let me tell you about my placenta." Being served a fine cut of an endangered species in a delicate balsamic reduction on a bed of arugula. Your Internet browsing history. First and last dates. Parrots that sweat at guests. When I was little, Granny and Papa's neighbor lady had a parakeet that was MOUTHY. His name was Petey. Petey would say things like, "Shut up, Bobby! Watch it, Bobby!" Who was Bobby? The neighbor lady's adult son. Guess it was something Petey heard a lot.
Teenage poetry.
The casual racism of elderly relatives. Saying, "I love you," and hearing, "Oh, OK." The honesty of the extremely inebriated. The honesty of curious children. "Mrs. Snark, is you pregnant or is you just fat?" The bluntness of a Deaf 1st grader, who is the youngest of six Deaf children, who are the offspring of two Deaf parents..."Michelle, are you pregnant." "No, B...I'm not pregnant." "Oh, Michelle...then you are fat!" Kids....yeah. When someone angrily asks, "Are you flirting with me?" Rattraps in restaurant bathrooms. The honor of being a bridesmaid.
Calling your neighbor's dog by his wife's name.
Telemarketers who are just trying to save some lives. Damp seat cushions on public transit. Lazy eyes. Struggling to compliment creepy looking babies. I kid you not, one time, all I could say about the baby was, "Look at her beautiful eyelashes! They're so long and full. She'll never need to wear mascara!" Being the flabbiest person at the gym. Beardless Santas. That's not awkward, that's just blasphemy and heresy! Long, thick hairs in soup, on soaps, and in nostrils. Apologizing for being successful. When Dad won't give you his ideal kidney. Speaking now instead of forever holding your peace.
Lice.
Great...now my head itches!
The red sock in the load of white towels. Adult tantrums. Not being allowed into the club. sharing toothbrushes. Comparing scores on standardized tests. Sanctimonious parenting advice. Medical exams that require the donning of a gown. Comparing salaries. Forgetting where you parked Grandma. Telling a funny story you didn't know was a secret. Reheating tuna fish in the office microwave. Every baby shower that has ever been thrown.
Accidentally flashing a gang sign.
Loud snorting. Becoming your mother despite decades of effort to the contrary. Adoring things that are not at all popular. Not getting the joke.
Being the joke.
Not knowing when to quit. Quitting while you mistakenly think you're still ahead. And so on.
One of my favorite articles ever.
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