Wedding Wisdom

I'd like to share a few observations with you regarding weddings...I'll try to break them up by category, but I'm here to tell you, some of them just can't be categorized.  We're dealing with real people and real life and that doesn't always come neatly wrapped or easily defined.

To the Bride's Maids:

• Please make sure that you can walk in the shoes you've chosen to wear with your dress.  If you're more comfortable in flats, then wear flats.  Better to risk the bride's momentary unhappiness with your choice of footwear than to have evidence of your clumsiness preserved for posterity in the wedding album and/or possibly Facebook...you know, people and their camera-phones!
• Do NOT wait until the last minute to order your dress...and do NOT order your dress without trying one on.  This SERIOUSLY works the bride's nerves and you run the risk of being eliminated from the bridal party.
• Before leaving for an out-of-town wedding, have YOUR hairdresser show you a simple, pretty way to fix your hair.  It can be a real gamble using an unfamiliar hairdresser and it might be better to go with something you can do yourself, instead of wasting what is the equivalent of a tank of gas on a hair do you hate.  Do it yourself=gas money for the trip home....seems like a no brainer to me!
• Once in your pretty dress, PLEASE....PLEASE...do NOT drink anything but water.  While baby wipes MIGHT work to remove Dr. Pepper from certain fabrics, they might not work for all.
• PLEASE BE ON TIME!  I understand things that are beyond your control...traffic, car trouble, having to work, being sick and such but being late because that's just your habit is rude.  There are time lines that HAVE to be kept on the wedding day.  Having to wait on you because "you don't do mornings" or because you stayed out too late the night before is ridiculous. 
• Clean up after yourself....this includes turning off the curling iron when you're done.  I'm the wedding coordinator...not the maid...not your mother.
• You don't get special time alone with the bride...twenty minutes before the ceremony starts...when you really should be with the rest of the wedding party.  That's why you need to be ON TIME!
• If you have tummy issues, please refrain from eating things that you know set it off. 
• NO GUM!
• Smile as you come up the aisle...your prospective husband could be sitting in the congregation...or among the groom's men.

To the Groom's Men:

• White socks are ONLY appropriate with white tuxedos.
• Please keep the locker room talk to a minimum...especially if you are in the church...and the bride's teen aged brother is part of the group....and the FEMALE wedding coordinator is in the room.
• Keep all complaints about wishing you didn't have to be at the church so early to yourself.  It doesn't change anything about when you have to be there.  You've probably been in enough weddings to know that you simply do as the bride (and groom) asks you to do.
• Double up on the deodorant.  It won't hurt anything.
• Coming into the church hung over is never a good option...especially if the wedding coordinator is a twisted soul with a penchant for being loud and obnoxious.
• Rely on past experience....if this isn't your first rodeo, then you shouldn't need the instructions about no gum, hands out of your pockets and flex your knees.  And if you choose to ignore past experience, do not get lippy with the wedding coordinator when she gives you instructions.
• NO GUM!
• Smile....for those of you who are commitment-phobic, you can be comforted by the fact that it's not YOUR wedding.

To The Guests:

• PLEASE be on time!
• If you are not on time and the wedding party has already started their procession, do not try to squeeze in between them to get to your seat.  You can wait...you might not want to...but you can.
• TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE!
• I realize that the thought of dressing up is more than some of you can bear, but could you at least tuck your shirt in and leave your sunglasses in the car.
• Ladies, club wear is not appropriate for a church wedding.  I'm not sure that it's appropriate under ANY circumstance, but specifically NOT for wearing to church.
• Ladies, when you choose a dress that is shorter than the month of February, do not be surprised or offended by the constant attention that it draws to you.  As well, do not be surprised or offended at the embarrassed laughter it induces when you start to dance.
• Open bar does not mean KEG PARTY.  It simply means that your hosts would like for you to enjoy a glass or two of adult beverage in celebration.  I really don't think it means that you should "party like it's 1999!" 
• Dancing with your beverage in your hand probably isn't the best idea simply because if you feel it necessary to have a few before you feel comfortable enough to dance in public, you're going to be too loose in the juice to control your own body movements and most of what's in your glass will end up spilling onto the dance floor.  Which will send you BACK to the bar because you can't figure out how your glass got empty and when your glass is refilled, you'll come back to the dance floor...do you see the vicious cycle this creates?
• While some unaccompanied female wedding guests might welcome the drunken advances of male guests, not all of us do.  Keep your body parts...hands, hips, behinds and pelvic regions out of our personal space.  It's a matter of good taste.  We reserve the right to refuse all unwanted advances by flashing our wedding rings, declaring our husbands' love for The Second Amendment, physically pushing you away and, if you continue to refuse to take "no" for an answer, there's always the possibility of a wedgie.  Is it really worth it?  While you may be too plastered to remember, trust me...some of your buddies will and they won't let you forget it.
• And be careful which wedding guests you target, gentlemen.  You might just work right down the hall from one of the husbands and after his wife does a little online digging and discovers this connection, more than likely, the two of y'all will be sitting down for a little corrective interview come Monday morning.